Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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