How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
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