I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
