You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
