The maid of honor just puked.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
