oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
