JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
