My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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