He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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