I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
