WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
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