I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
