she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
