she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
