just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
