Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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