my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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