Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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