The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
