i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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