Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
