grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
