She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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