i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
