my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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