loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
