i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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