I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
