the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
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