I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
