I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
