Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
All I want is dick and wine.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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