The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I need to sanitize my soul.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
