It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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