My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
