i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
