Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
