I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
