Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
