No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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