can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
This show inspires me to have sex in space
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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