Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
