Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
