I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
