My Higher Power is John Stamos
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
