I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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