hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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