I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
