I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
there was a trapeze. enough said
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
