im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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