Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
