Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
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