I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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