You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
