Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
