He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
